Christian Sex Addiction Couples Coach
In a world that told me I needed to pick myself up by my bootstraps and tough it out I decided, after not being able to stuff emotions any longer, to go a different route. I left a career in ministry to heal the deep wounds that I was not even able to name.
That led to personal and couples therapy that forever changed my life for the better. I was thrilled to discover that the healing journey that I was on illuminated the gospel in my life in new ways.
Through prayer and seeking wisdom from those I trust and look up to, I decided to pursue a career in psychotherapy in efforts to extend the hand of compassion that was so lovingly extended to me. Make no mistake about it, the work of change is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it is also the most rewarding.
I am living proof that couples therapy can have a profound impact on a relationship. My wife and I are living some of the most present and grateful years of our life as we raise a toddler in the Bay Area. We both entered our relationship with wounds that run incredibly deep, but the beauty of the God that loves us is that there is no depth too great for his restoration. If that is true in my life, then it is true for you as well.
Favorite Quote & Spiritual Message
“Behold the One beholding you and smiling.”
It is precisely because we have such an overactive disapproval gland ourselves that we tend to create God in our own image. It is truly hard for us to see the truth that disapproval does not seem to be part of God’s DNA. God is just too busy loving us to have any time left for disappointment.”
― Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion
Life often becomes too busy or too loud for us to hear the faint whisper of the God of the universe telling us the truth, “You are my beloved child. I am pleased with you.”
If it is possible for us to lose sight of our own belovedness then it is just as likely for us to lose sight of that in our partner. My hope in therapy is to create space for couples to embark on the courageous journey of restoration of what God deems to be wonderful: marriage.
How I work with Sex Addiction: Couples & Individuals
I work with both couples and individuals who are impacted by sex addiction.
You can read more by clicking here:
One of the first steps for the acting out partner is to start figuring out if you may have an addiction. This can be scary!
In spite of your curiosity, you may be afraid to learn more about yourself. Talking to anyone requires trust that you may not have at this time.
One way to start learning about yourself is to take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) which is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive behavior which may indicate the presence of sex addiction.
12 STEP GROUPS:
Lastly, many couples find 12 step groups to be very informative and helpful in terms of community support:
SA 12 steps - Sexaholics Anonymous
SAA 12 steps - Sex Addicts Anonymous
Difference between support groups -
S-Anon - 12 Step program provides support for family & friends of sex addicts
COSA - Twelve Step recovery program for those whose lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behavior
CoDA - Codependents Anonymous
RCA - Recovery Couples Anonymous
A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING ADDICTION:
Johann Hari's TED talk provides a helpful way to think about what causes addiction.
When couples deal with Sex Addiction, the acting-out partner may be behaving in ways that reflect trauma experienced earlier in life. The betrayed partner may have experienced the partner's acting out itself as trauma. Understanding how trauma impact one's ability to relate to each other is critical to having a safe place to heal.
Our work in couples therapy is rooted in the following fundamentals:
We have the capacity to heal each other that is equal to our capacity to destroy.
Language give us the power to change.
We can regulate our own physiology [without drugs] through breathing, moving, touching.
We can change how we respond to each other to help our love one's feel safe and thrive.
A helpful book to understand trauma is Bessel Van der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score.
Discussions of porn are very common with couples. will not tell you whether to watch porn or not but I often discuss if and how it is impacting you as a couple.
These videos are good conversation starters:
SAME SEX ATTRACTION:
When one partner in a heterosexual relationship is experiencing same sex attraction, it can cause confusion and a major disruption of trust.
I work to support the couple in processing this experience and restore their relationship. You can start learning more about this situation by reading this article by Joe Kort.